So Mother's Day is just around the corner, and this year I get to be one of the women celebrated. A nice idea, except on Monday I had a slight emotional breakdown because of this stinkin' pregnancy thing. Yes, I said it, and in a very real sense I mean it. I am so done being pregnant, and yes, I am still less than halfway there.
It was all fun and exciting in the beginning, and I mean the very beginning, like the first month, maybe, that we knew. But swearing ourselves to secrecy kinda killed much of the novelty and my excitement. Add in morning sickness, and BAM! First thoughts of "I sure as heck don't like this whole pregnancy thing, and it can totally be October now." (See My First 1st Trimester for some insight.) Ugh. Now that I'm not feeling sick, I'm freaking out because I'm not sure I'm eating enough (at 18 weeks I've barely gained any weight). I'm beginning to look fat, am going to the beach in about a week, and don't have anything to wear (I could wear my old bathing suite, but then I'd be "that girl" who doesn't realize how horrible she looks with her rolls hanging out). I could actually feel said tummy jiggling - jiggling! - at soccer this week and my performance absolutely stinks cause I'm more afraid of the ball now than I have been in, like, forever. My brain seems to have decided to quit functioning properly, and trying to come to a decision about anything quite honestly leaves me rather confused. Feeling the baby is more like experiencing weird huge gas bubbles than the butterflies everyone mentioned (honestly not a very pleasant experience for me, see here if you haven't already). I find it frustrating to be treated with kid gloves all the time. I'm tired of being asked how things are going, and trying to match the excitement and enthusiasm pretty much everyone else seems to be experiencing (I'm not really a terribly excitable person - I live in the present, and this is just how things are, why should I be so freaking excited all the time?). I'm fatigued all the time, and feel like I'm not even doing a fair job at keeping the apartment running. Oh, and did I mention that I'm too fat for my normal clothes, but not fat enough to warrant obtaining maternity clothes, while at the same time freaking out because I don't think I'm eating right? Yeah, I guess that just about covers it - I just can't take the stressing anymore, and am so done with this pregnancy thing.
Now, I know the above might cause some, um, strong reactions in some people, but at the moment I don't really care. That was what I was feeling, and have been feeling for a little while. Not that I don't want this baby, because I really do, but I'm tired of things being constantly portrayed as super crazy bright and sunshiny, and if you express anything to the contrary then may fire and brimstone rain down on you. I know conception and gestation are miracles, and greatly amazing ones at that, but pregnancy isn't always rainbows and butterflies. I'm sick and tired of "the bright side of things" obscuring and ofttimes replacing reality. Not that we have to be all dark and gloomy all the time. *eyeroll* But sometimes a healthy dose of reality is more readily accepted and a better antidote to some things than annoying, healthy, wholesome sunshine.