Just going to start this off by saying my uninhibited scrolling of Facebook, Instagram, those clickbait articles on You Won't Believe These 40 Things, etc. isn't helping. I can tell it is making it worse. This feeling of aimless overwhelm. The scrolling definitely lends to the feeling that I was in the middle of something, and can't remember what. It turns out that the human brain desperately needs closure, and the endless scrolling that social media affords is really doing us a disservice. I can feel the scrolling killing the creativity that treating my depression/anxiety was actually allowing to come back.      This post isn't really going to have a point, I don't think. I just need to get stuff out, but not like in a diary. Out where real people can encounter it. Though I'm turning comments off because I can't add to the input overwhelm right now. Which brings me back to social media. I know I need to have boundaries with it, limits, but I'm not

9 Years

 9 years. 5 kids. 1 baby interceding for us before the face of God. I still prefer his company over anyone else. I guess you could say it's been a fruitful marriage. What you don't see, though, is how God has been using our personal pain and brokenness to pour grace into our hearts and bring forth healing. Unity. Safety.  Safety? Yes, safety. All my life I've felt rejected and ridiculed for being too much, yet not enough. But this man? He is the embodiment of unconditional love. He has seen the depths of my woundedness, and suffered as I've wrestled with my inner agony, more often than not wounding him also in the process. Yet, he's still here.  He's still here. In spite of my inner darkness, he still holds me and assures me that he will love me forever. No matter what.  A lifetime of perceived rejection is a formidable obstacle to overcome. Vulnerability and trust do not come easy. Yet, after all these years, after all my unconscious attempts to test him, to pu

Julian Jackie -- April 30 - May 12, 2018

This is a post about miscarriage. If you aren't up for reading it, totally fine. Here are some resources, though. I wish I had known about them before.  This is a Google doc that you can print out. Please share wherever you can, especially your parish office. Miscarriage Info Document for printing/copying and editing  (I may add more, but my emotional energy for it has ebbed.) However, if you don't have time or inclination to look through it, this site is the best I have seen so far.  (This site wasn't available when I lost Julian.) I'm not looking for pity. I just need to tell my story. I know how important it is to hear the stories of others - we need to know we are not alone. I pray this might help someone else. Our fifth pregnancy was our first where we were both like "YES. We are ready for this." The positive pregnancy test wasn't a surprise. It's the only one I didn't take picture of. April 30.  We had decided

Que Sera, Sera

     I need to get this out of my mind, and hopefully it will help someone else who might be feeling the same way, and thinking similar thoughts.      I don't view death, or the potential for death, the same way that it seems the vast majority of society does. Part of that is the depression, because it can be really, really hard to get up and keep going every day when there's a slew of intrusive thoughts constantly tearing me down and tempting me to self harm. The thought of death isn't so scary when it would mean the end of such suffering. Part of it, I think, is a result of being Asperger's. For me it falls under the categories of "Facts of Life: things that just are and cannot be changed." Everyone is going to die. That's just the way it is. It is sad, but life goes on, there's nothing we can do, so what's the point of dwelling on it?       Many think such an attitude is callous, insensitive, unsympathetic. They might question whether I ha

Squash Pie

Pumpkin Pie doesn't have to be just dessert. Here is a more savory version that you can eat anytime, and know that you made a nutritious choice! I used this recipe from Joy Food Sunshine  as a base, before modifying to suit my tastes. Note: Butternut squash, acorn squash, and the like, all sub in just as nicely for pumpkin. Hence the blog title. Also sweet potato would probably be good too. Ingredients for 2 Pies Crust for two pie bottoms (will post the recipe I use at a later date) - 30 oz canned pumpkin / 4 cups mashed squash***  - 1 pint = 2 cups heavy cream / half & half / milk  with 2 TBS melted butter / 32 oz full fat coconut milk - 8 eggs - 1/2 cup sugar, brown or regular - 2 tsp vanilla - 1 tsp salt - 1 TBS cinnamon - 1 TBS pumpkin pie spice or D.I.Y.: (1 1/2 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp nutmeg, 1/2 tsp cloves 1/2 tsp allspice 1/2 tsp ginger) - 1/4 tsp black pepper Directions  *Pre-heat oven to 350* Pre-1. Blind bake crust of choice wit

MadeOn Hard Lotion Review

This post contains all affiliate links, and an affiliate discount code. The non-affiliate links will be noted. That means I receive a small commission if you purchase through the links, or use my code. All opinions are my own, and I received no compensation for this review. I am also not a medical doctor, nor do I intend to diagnose, treat, or manage anything. This is just my anecdotal experience. I decided to write this review after purchasing and trying MadeOn products. I liked them so much I decided to share them with you too. History: Renee founded MadeOn after trying to find a solution to the dry skin issues she and her family had. Her products worked for them, and eventually they began to share with family and friends who began to share with their family and friends, and thus a successful business was born. For over a decade Renee and her family have been providing high quality, hand crafted lotion bars and soap (produced on commission by Mountain Girl Soap) to th

Slow Cooker BBQ Chicken

     Well, it's been a hard time trying to feed people, as I mentioned in my previous post. So, here's a recipe that I actually had success with two weeks in a row !  Original Recipe: roughly 3 lbs chicken breast 12 oz bbq sauce 4 oz Italian dressing 2 Tbs Worcestershire sauce 1/4 cup brown sugar Cook on low for 4-6 hours. I have the easiest time shredding it if I start the chicken frozen. Also, the hand mixer shreds it quite nicely.  The Super Successful Recipe I Used: 6 oz Newman's Own Honey BBQ Sauce 6 oz Heinz Carolina Mustard Style BBQ Sauce 4 oz Ken's Steakhouse Simply Caesar Dressing  2 Tbs Worcestershire Sauce  Cooking instructions are the same.  *Update: Been subbing Ken's Olive Oil and Vinegar Dressing with the same successful results. Have also used Italian. Basically it's just that good!*