Que Sera, Sera

     I need to get this out of my mind, and hopefully it will help someone else who might be feeling the same way, and thinking similar thoughts.

     I don't view death, or the potential for death, the same way that it seems the vast majority of society does. Part of that is the depression, because it can be really, really hard to get up and keep going every day when there's a slew of intrusive thoughts constantly tearing me down and tempting me to self harm. The thought of death isn't so scary when it would mean the end of such suffering. Part of it, I think, is a result of being neurodivergent. For me it falls under the categories of "Facts of Life: things that just are and cannot be changed." Everyone is going to die. That's just the way it is. It is sad, but life goes on, there's nothing we can do, so what's the point of dwelling on it? 

     Many think such an attitude is callous, insensitive, unsympathetic. They might question whether I have ever lost anyone or anything dear to me, and if not it might be understandable that I might not be able to understand how others might feel about such things. On the contrary, I am no stranger to loss. Most of my friendships, save a few very special ones, have died. My pets, who were my supports in the very lonely years of my childhood, have all passed. While I have not yet personally lost someone close to me to death*, I have seen others lose those close to them, and seeing their pain is excruciating. And I have people in my life who will not survive this virus without Divine intervention. I know what it is like to feel that fear.

     However, I have been thinking about this, how my attitude is mainly one of what will be, will be, so no need to be stressing about it. I wonder if this is what an attitude of detachment might look or feel like? How, even when we have something personally to lose, if we maintain an attitude of "If God wills it, then I accept it", that perhaps we are practicing detachment? I wonder how our relationships might change if we take a step back, and consider if the "calloused" attitudes we see exhibited in some people, not at "insensitive" or "unsympathetic", but as "detached" instead? 

     I don't know. I guess it's still something to think about. I find myself increasingly praying for acceptance for my friends, in addition to their prayer requests, because God doesn't always give us what we want. In fact, it seems He quite often says no. Because Jesus never said that if you are good enough, then you will receive only pleasant things in this life.  

     If this is something you struggle with, just know you are not alone. Maybe you are just more naturally disposed to detachment than others. Either way, I suggest not letting it get to you. Just because you don't feel the way other people expect you to doesn't mean you're broken. You are working the way you are meant to work, and that makes you whole, not broken.

*I'm not counting my miscarriage, since we lost the baby so soon after finding out they were on the way.