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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Dear Baby Girl

     So, today I was going to blog about all the recent hoopla regarding Pope Francis, but sort of got myself into hot water with my brother regarding a comment I made on a Facebook post I was tagged in, and have decided that now would be perhaps the right time to discuss my feelings on this subject. Since we only have 2 boys right now, my friend thought I would appreciate this blog post in the form of an open letter to the ladies who were offering this woman condolences for expecting yet another boy, when she already had one. I read it, and commented on the FB post "I'm thinking, just from past experience, my reply to comments like that will not be very feminist and favorable... I will be quite thrilled if we never have a girl." My brother saw it, and called me out via text message, correctly condemning my harshness and questioning what I would do if I did indeed have a girl, and she found out I never wanted her. While I never meant it to sound like I would never want to have a girl, I would also not be disappointed if all we had were boys. There might not be a real distinction, but in my head there is. Anyway. 

     Sweet Baby Girl,
Mama said some things on the internet before you were born, that she would like to take the time now to explain to you. They had to do with Mama's feelings towards the idea of having a daughter, and how it sounded like she did not want you. And, in a sense, that is true. My Dear Daughter, I think on you, and I am terrified. Terrified, because I never felt accepted by the girls I knew growing up. Terrified, because I have no idea how I'm going to be able to relate to you if you are a girly-girl. Terrified, because I want to be able to understand you, and I'm so very afraid that I won't. Terrified, because I don't want to mess you up, and prevent you from becoming the woman God wants you to be. Darling, I am so, so scared that I will not be able to be the Mama you need me to be. I'm so rough and tumble, ungraceful, unladylike. I'm supposed to be your main example on how to be a woman in the image of Our Lady and after God's own heart, and I'm no example at all. Daughter, I do want you, and you are so very, very precious to me, but I am so afraid to lose you even before I get to know you. It is precisely because you are so precious that I am so afraid, and would almost rather not have you at all, than to lose you. But I do love you, Little Girl, and as I tell your brothers:  You are made in the image and likeness of God; you are enough. And I love you. 
And no matter what, I will do my best to be the Mama that you deserve, I promise. 

     Love & Prayers Always, 

     Your Scared but Loving Mama

3 comments:

  1. Aw, that is so, so sweet! It's hard for me to explain why I wanted a girl so much this time. I think mostly because I had already imagined her, my daughter, and every time I had a boy I felt like I had lost the girl I'd dreamed of.

    I was the only girl for a long time (after 20 years I did eventually have a sister) and my mother isn't into girl stuff. You know what? I did fine. I learned from my mother that girls are good at sacrificing, praying, working in the garden, appreciating nature, listening, writing poetry. If I never learned that girls are supposed to know how to put on makeup or what color goes with what .... it doesn't seem to have ruined my life! There are lots of ways to be a woman, and if your daughter (if you have one) turns out to be the sort of woman YOU are .... she will be just fine.

    My mental image of a woman isn't of a fine lady, but of a pioneer woman. The sort of woman who feeds everyone, takes care of everything, doesn't take nonsense, hugs people who are crying, and at need can frighten away a bear. I'm not graceful. I don't think that matters. I have a big loving heart, that's what you need most, right?

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  2. When you have that sweet, precious, girl, you can just read to her all about the Saints because many weren't really that "girly". They were determined, strong, smart, and spiritual- all of which you are and can show her the true model of womanhood!

    I really admire your letter, with your openness and honesty, because it shows how much you have contemplated loving your little one. You are a wonderful mother, God will provide, and when times feel tough, just call out to Mother Mary, and I'm sure she will rush to the rescue!

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  3. If you ever do have a daughter, you will fall hopelessly in love with her. :) I am pregnant with my 10th right now, and I deep down really, really, really hope it's a girl. We wait to find out gender till the birth, and I love that---no disappointment whatsoever when you are holding your new baby! Not that I would ever be disappointed, but I am human. I think what I long for is feeling really close to this baby. I am super close to 2 of my daughters and 1 of my sons right now. As they all go through different stages of development, sometimes they let me be close to them and sometimes they pull away. It really doesn't matter if they are a boy or a girl. Loved your heartfelt, honest letter. God bless!

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