Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Once A Month

          One thing I truly wasn't counting on, was the hope that I would have, once a month, that maybe this time we might be expecting.  My husband and I are neither seeking children out nor avoiding them, but even either were the case, the possibility (no matter how slim) would still remain that we might be expecting each month.  
          I never was one of those girls who would go ga-ga over any new or not-so-new baby in sight.  It's not that I don't like children in their baby form, because I do, but the thought of holding them was never very appealing to me.  Mostly, I was afraid of either breaking them, or them freaking out and bawling the instant they hit my arms.  I don't know why, that was just the fear I had, and still have to some extent.  I don't really remember what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I can assure you that I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt of growing up to be a mom with 8 kids....  I guess I was too busy living in the present.
          So, now I am married, and I decided (as if it were up to me) that 7 kids would be nice.  Not that we're in any rush, as I mentioned.  At least, not really - until I hear all the reports of other couples married this summer that already expecting, and see all the young mothers at church, who look barely any older than myself, with 4 little kids clinging to their skirts.  Then I feel as though I am old and barren, though I know it isn't true.  It doesn't help, either, to be asked if we were expecting yet, and when I mentioned we had only been married for about 2 months, the reply I got was "That doesn't mean anything", as though something was wrong somewhere because we weren't already with child. 
          So, once a month now, my hopes pick up.  Thus far they have all been met with what has turned out to be quite bitter disappointment (especially since I've discovered most of my pre-menstrual symptoms are the same as early pregnancy symptoms), and a little bit of relief at the same time.  These past 5 months have been quite the emotional roller-coaster for me, and the disappointments only made it worse.  God knows what He is doing; I certainly don't think I was in a place emotionally that I could have been able to handle being with child.  But, I think I've managed to work through my troubles well enough and have them somewhat firmly in hand once again.  I'm trying to keep my hopes low this time, so that perhaps the disappointment might be mitigated a little bit.  
          *sigh*  Here's to hopin'.
And, a few weeks after this post, we found out Jose was on the way.

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