Here We Go Again
I have so many things to say. And basically am under orders to say them. Much of it best for a personal journal, but some...some I need to get out in a place where is "feels" like I'm being heard, and not just talking to myself more. Seems that's kind of a problem I have, internalizing everything, and not expressing enough.
Short version: I started seeing a psychologist again (my old one, yay!) to see if perhaps I'm ADHD, or even possibly Asperger's, though I hear that diagnosis doesn't technically exist anymore. THIS ARTICLE is the one that got me thinking originally (especially the rejection sensitive dysphoria, ugh), and then I started checking off a lot of the attributes/experiences from THIS ONE, which was linked in some link that I followed from that first one, and yeah. Suddenly my life experiences started making sense, especially the feeling like I'm perpetually 12. Explains why I have a hard time being the authority figure. The diagnostics tests my therapist gave me indicated that I am, indeed, different, which was such a huge relief, because it meant I wasn't just making it up. I am different; I don't fit in; I am a weirdo...rather than making me totally question myself (because I have grown a lot), it was just the catalyst I needed to really stop caring as much what people think of me. Yes, the opinions of the people closest to me will always matter, but not to the be-all-end-all extent that they used to. Basically, having the diagnosis has given my life such peace.
Does it make the depression and anxiety magically disappear? Nope. It does, however, give me more tools to manage it with. I've come to the opinion that depression is like cancer: it's never really gone, only in remission. Turns out part of my homework is basically teaching myself to stim. (I really want to put that laughing so hard your crying emoji here, but I don't know how.) As alluded to before, I'm very introverted. I tend to take in a lot, and not let a lot out. Going from a light mental load with lots of nature/physical stuff to heavy mental load and relatively little nature/physical stuff has really been detrimental to my ability to release tension and de-stress. So I'm to take time to check in with the tension in my body, really feel it, and work on relaxing and releasing it mindfully. Going to be tricky with the 5 kids around...surprise! I had a baby in Feb. Sweet E, our rainbow baby. The depression and anxiety (and physical pain) were high with her pregnancy, though thankfully they basically subsided after she was born. Up until the end of August, but that's a story for another day.
I guess this is all basically to say, I will be making an effort to blog again. I've known for a while that "writing" is a good processing mode for me, along with mundane physically trying activity, and it's time I made time to get back to it.
Short version: I started seeing a psychologist again (my old one, yay!) to see if perhaps I'm ADHD, or even possibly Asperger's, though I hear that diagnosis doesn't technically exist anymore. THIS ARTICLE is the one that got me thinking originally (especially the rejection sensitive dysphoria, ugh), and then I started checking off a lot of the attributes/experiences from THIS ONE, which was linked in some link that I followed from that first one, and yeah. Suddenly my life experiences started making sense, especially the feeling like I'm perpetually 12. Explains why I have a hard time being the authority figure. The diagnostics tests my therapist gave me indicated that I am, indeed, different, which was such a huge relief, because it meant I wasn't just making it up. I am different; I don't fit in; I am a weirdo...rather than making me totally question myself (because I have grown a lot), it was just the catalyst I needed to really stop caring as much what people think of me. Yes, the opinions of the people closest to me will always matter, but not to the be-all-end-all extent that they used to. Basically, having the diagnosis has given my life such peace.
Does it make the depression and anxiety magically disappear? Nope. It does, however, give me more tools to manage it with. I've come to the opinion that depression is like cancer: it's never really gone, only in remission. Turns out part of my homework is basically teaching myself to stim. (I really want to put that laughing so hard your crying emoji here, but I don't know how.) As alluded to before, I'm very introverted. I tend to take in a lot, and not let a lot out. Going from a light mental load with lots of nature/physical stuff to heavy mental load and relatively little nature/physical stuff has really been detrimental to my ability to release tension and de-stress. So I'm to take time to check in with the tension in my body, really feel it, and work on relaxing and releasing it mindfully. Going to be tricky with the 5 kids around...surprise! I had a baby in Feb. Sweet E, our rainbow baby. The depression and anxiety (and physical pain) were high with her pregnancy, though thankfully they basically subsided after she was born. Up until the end of August, but that's a story for another day.
I guess this is all basically to say, I will be making an effort to blog again. I've known for a while that "writing" is a good processing mode for me, along with mundane physically trying activity, and it's time I made time to get back to it.
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